My Inner World – Your Self Series

Why do I need to sleep?

chris — Thu, 29 Nov 2018 20:01:02 +0000

You already know what sleep is. You do it every night for at least….what? 5 hours? 6? 7? 8? 9? But why? Why do we need to sleep so much?

Along with regular exercise, a good diet and a healthy mindset, sleep plays an important role in our physical (and therefore emotional) well-being.

Sleep is like hitting the reset button—it is a critical time to re-energize the brain, body and mind. In fact, as we sleep, we solidify information we learned during the day. Yes, sleeping helps you learn by allowing the brain time to process the information that you acquired. Your sleeping brain is actually solving problems as you sleep! Remember way back in 1st grade when you got to connect the dots so an elephant would appear on the page? Well, sleep is like connecting the dots to form a picture of all that you learned.

Sleep also improves mood. A good night’s sleep, meaning enough sleep that goes through all the stages without interruption (more on that later), can help an irritable person wake up feeing much better the next day. On the flip side, a poor night’s sleep can contribute to feeling irritable throughout the day. The bottom line is: we tend to be nicer people and feel happier when we are well-rested.

What you are about to learn throughout these sub-posts is that the majority of us do not sleep the required amount. Unfortunately, most of us are sleep deprived: a person in middle school needs at least ten hours of sleep, high school students at least 8, preferably 9. Somehow, sleep hasn’t gotten the attention or priority it deserves. Most people don’t realize how incredibly important sleep is to our health and well-being and that a lack of sleep takes its toll on both our bodies and minds. The next several posts will hopefully help you to realize how important a good night’s sleep is and how you can get one!

(Source: Wellbeing: The Five Essential Elements, by Tom Rath and Jim Carter)

Electronic devices and sleep

chris — Thu, 29 Nov 2018 19:53:38 +0000

DID YOU KNOW? Screens, including those of your phones, emit “blue light” that reduces the amount of sleep you get and increases how often you wake in the night.

(Source: https://www.sciencenewsforstudents.org/article/evening-screen-time-can-sabotage-sleep)

One other reason teens are not getting as much sleep as they need is their phones and other digital devices. Screens emit blue light which interferes with the release of melatonin. Melatonin is the chemical your brain releases to tell you that you are tired. But it doesn’t get released when you are exposed to bright light and especially blue light. (That’s why when the sun comes up you start to wake up.) When you use your phone in bed, you are messing with your body’s melatonin release which makes it harder to go to sleep.

iPads, cell phones and computers also keep you up by distracting you. Many teens report climbing into bed at a reasonable hour and then staying up late because they become engaged with something on their phone: a game, a group chat, video surfing, you name it. Combine that with the blue light emission and you are setting your self up for a much later sleep time.

So, when you make your bedtime routine as described in the last sub-post make sure turning off your phone well before you climb into bed is part of that routine. Do NOT under any circumstances sleep with your phone under your pillow or in a place where incoming texts or emails will disturb your sleep. Texting and phone use late at night is becoming an increasingly large contributor to sleep deprivation in teens. The amount of work you have for school and sports already puts you at risk for sleep deprivation. Don’t add to it voluntarily by keeping your phone on at night.

If you are having some issues getting a good night’s sleep after trying some of the ideas in these sub-posts, definitely talk to your parents and consider seek ing professional help. A good night’s sleep is critical to your overall health. Don’t under-estimate just how important it is.

DID YOU KNOW? Have you ever been told you did something in the middle of the night that you can’t remember? Like you got up to go to the bathroom, ran into your little brother in the hallway and told him to go back to bed. Then when he mentions it to you in the morning, you have no idea what he is talking about? Ever have a phone conversation in the middle of the night that you don’t remember? This is due to something called sleep-related retrograde amnesia. In theory, as you start sleeping, the pathways from short-term to long term memory shut down (no need to remember things when you are asleep!). As a result, many of the things you do/watch/say when you wake up for a short time at night or during the time just before you fall asleep (anywhere from one to fifteen minutes prior) do not make it into long term memory. That’s often why, if you read before you go to bed (a habit you no longer do, right?), you can’t really remember where you stopped. Another reason to stop reading in bed! It’s not really productive!

Support your resilience by connecting with others

chris — Tue, 23 Oct 2018 23:59:19 +0000

In the past few sub-posts, you have read about individual qualities that are associated with higher resilience. All of those qualities can be built and practiced through conscious awareness.

However, perhaps most important of all, your resilience may not simply depend on qualities within you but rather on something around you: your social support.

Research suggests that those who are resilient often have strong support networks and reach out to them when needed. Social relationships help us to manage stress and indeed, having strong relationships is linked to better overall well-being.

(Source: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/four_ways_social_support_makes_you_more_resilient

In fact, in times of stress, our bodies actually release oxytocin. What’s that? Its nickname is the “cuddle hormone” because it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy about other people, it makes you want to be around them. So why would our bodies release it in times of stress? Because being around others and having the help of others is helpful. Other people, who are supportive of us, help us to stay strong.

Think about what happens when someone passes away: people gather. It is human nature to give support to other people and to receive that support in times of distress. The support of other people helps you to get through the tough times. Therefore other people make you more resilient.

So if ever you are feeling a bit down and need a little help bouncing back, keep in mind the words of our founding father Ben Franklin:

“Do not fear mistakes. You will know failure. Continue to reach out.”

– Benjamin Franklin

Build resilience by maintaining perspective

chris — Tue, 23 Oct 2018 23:56:17 +0000

Your perspective is your mental view of something. So in relation to resilience, perspective is making sure that your mental view of the situation neither belittles it (meaning wrongly decreases its value) or inflates it (meaning blows it all out of proportion.

Let’s give an example:

What happens: You drop your tray ion the cafeteria, Your entire lunch is splayed over the linoleum floor and everyone starts clapping.

Belittling perspective: No big deal!! I’ll just leave it here and go buy another lunch.

Inflating perspective: Oh no!! This is the worst thing ever!!! I need to go home!!! I can’t ever show my face in here again!!

Resilient perspective: Well that’s a total bummer. I’ve lost my lunch, I’ve made a mess and everyone is staring at me. But these things happen. I’m a teenager! I had better start cleaning it up. Thankfully, it all missed my new shoes.

Which perspective most sounds like you?

In the belittling perspective, you do manage to get through the situation without getting overly upset, but you actually pretty much ignore it. You downplay it so much, that although you are able to get through it, you leave an entire lunch spread out all over the floor for someone else to handle. That’s not okay. It’s like you denied it happened and denial of a problem is not resilience. In this case, you might feel okay but the school staff might not feel that way about you.

In the inflating perspective, the thoughts you say to yourself make the situation more than it is. Going home because you dropped a tray is an over reaction.

In the resilient perspective, you recognize that the situation is unfortunate, but you also realize that no real harm happened, so you don’t feel overwhelmed by your thoughts and feelings, you recognize the next step to take (clean it up) and you persevere through the snickers while you work hard to clean it up. Bravo.

Of note, you also added a little gratitude in there which is helpful in building resilient. Recognizing what went well and being thankful for even the smallest of blessings is something that resilient people do quite well.

DID YOU KNOW? Being grateful is associated with increased levels of well-being.

(Source: https://www.health.harvard.edu/newsletter_article/in-praise-of-gratitude)

So the next time you have a bad day, try to ask yourself, “What went well today?” and then acknowledge that you are thankful for that.

Build resilience through perseverance and hard work

chris — Tue, 23 Oct 2018 23:53:10 +0000

Imagine this (it’s not too hard, we’re pretty sure you’ve experienced something like this before): your history teacher gives you a massive group project that’s due in one week. Your group splits up the work load evenly, but when you regroup in three days you find out Ernie hasn’t done a thing (except play Fortnight) and Matilda has the flu and can’t do anymore. This means you and Bibbles (Yes, Bibbles), have to take over Ernie’s portion and Matilda’s and get everything done in the next two days.

Of course, you and Bibbles are furious at Ernie (who wouldn’t be?) and feel life has handed you a slice of unfair pie. You don’t have a lot of creative solutions: the project is due in two days and your teacher was clear that everyone would be graded as a group no matter what. So what happens here?

Hard work happens here. Being resilient in this situation requires you to work some long hours and do more than your fair share. It is also going to require you to persevere through how tired you may feel while getting the work done. If your friends are all going out to get ice cream, you will probably need to decline the offer to join them and simply keep working. That’s another part of perseverance and hard work: you stay committed to your goals despite the frustration and anger you may feel and despite other activities that might be more appealing.

The ability to work hard means that you need to forego doing some fun things now while sitting through something you really don’t want to do (you really don’t find the history of Tristan Du Cunha that fascinating, it’s the most remote place in the world for a reason). Your feelings of frustration, unfairness and being overloaded are valid but you are able to recognize that you will need to put them aside to succeed.

In fact, for resilient people, feeling uncomfortable and struggling isn’t something that makes them lose heart. Struggle and even failure are simply viewed as part of the process of achievement and not something that should stop a person from reaching his/her goals.

This also means that failure is seen as part of the process. Resilient people do not look as failure as an end but as a beginning. Failure is something that teaches them what DOESN’T work so that they can turn their focus to what DOES work. Many young teens are often worried about getting something wrong and feeling like they failed when they are wrong. Highly resilient people don’t view being wrong or failing that way. Failure is a teaching tool. It helps them to learn.

Thomas Edison, inventor of the light bulb said, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

They have PERSPECTIVE on failure…

Build resilience by searching for solutions

chris — Tue, 23 Oct 2018 23:50:10 +0000

Managing your emotions is key to resilience but so is finding solutions. You may hold back the tears when your friend posts a horrible, unflattering and totally embarrassing picture off you on her Snap story as being upset is natural, so go ahead and feel your emotions. Don’t deny them. But resilient people also search for a way to fix the problem. They are able to ask themselves, “What can I do that will improve this situation?”

For example, let’s say your parents tell you that you have to learn how to tango for their 30th wedding anniversary party. You are not allowed to go out until you have mastered a full 30 seconds of tangoing to their favorite song.

Step one: you manage your emotions. You want to scream and tell them how unfair they are being, and that’s natural! Your feelings are valid. But you know that screaming won’t help your situation. So you don’t argue and start searching for solutions.

Step two: you start searching for solutions. A person who doesn’t know how to problem solve, might just sit in his room for hours on end thinking about how impossible the task is. A person with a few more problem solving skills might watch a video or two to see what the tango is and then turn on some music to give it a try. It doesn’t go well – a tango is really complicated! – and he flops down on the bed.

You, however, with your great problem solving skills knows that problem sometimes require being creative and sometimes require breaking down the problem into manageable steps (in this case literally). So you decide that you are going to google the first four steps of a tango. You find them, memorize them and then practice them for five minutes so you can do them at warp speed. Then you watch the next four steps. You memorize those, practice and then put them together with the first four steps. At the end of the night, you have ten steps down and by the end of the week you can the tango with your teddy bear like Carlos Gavito (Think the Beyonce of tango dancers). You hate it the whole way, but you get it done and by the time the weekend comes, you are free to go out and tango on the town with your friends (ha ha ha ha, yeah, not a chance, but you do go out).

So resilience requires that a person understands how to solve problems. People with high resilience look at problems as challenges (even opportunities!) rather than road blocks. They are able to look at a large task and figure out how to break it down into manageable pieces. They look at a task that others feel might be impossible and decide, “What is possible?” or “What am I missing to make this work for me?” or “How can I think outside the box on this?”

DID YOU KNOW? Part of problem solving is recognizing when you might need to ask others for help. That’s a sign of resilience.

Now, what if your parents turn to you after weeks of practice and say, “Oh by the way, you won’t be tangoing to ‘O Sole Mio,’ we’ve changed the song to ‘Adios Muchachos’”? Even though you may then want to say “adios” to this whole thing, you don’t freak out. You download the song and change tune… literally.

That’s because problem solving, and thus resilience, requires you to be flexible. Being flexible means you don’t get stuck on meeting your task in one way or another, but you go with the flow and are willing to change direction if changing direction might open up the solution doors.

Bonus YSS: A common trap the past sets: repetition!

chris — Mon, 03 Sep 2018 22:12:16 +0000

Your friend Amy flits from one nasty boyfriend to the next. What is the deal with these mean boys? Why does Amy, a totally sweet person, choose these boys who treat her like discarded gum trapped on the bottom of their shoes? It drives you bonkers. You totally see what she keeps doing. She tells you all the horrible things and when you ask her why, why do you keep dating jerks? She says, “He’s not a jerk. No, he’s so nice to me.” And you want to shake Amy until she wakes up and sees the truth.

Then one day you go to Amy’s house and her father is there working from home. You’ve met him only once before on a sleep over, so you politely say hello and go up to Amy’s room. A few minutes later you hear him screaming at Amy’s mother, the sweetest woman on the planet. He is telling her that her cooking is terrible and that she needs to lose weight. You hear her go upstairs and change her outfit, return to him and ask, “Is this ok?” You are mortified. This is what Amy witnesses as a role model for how a man treats a woman? Suddenly it all makes sense. Amy has no idea that she should be treated better because her father treats her mother just as horribly as Amy allows the boys to treat her.

Lightbulb lit.

We often repeat the past until we learn the lesson, grow from it and move on.

Amy is repeating what she knows. She hasn’t seen what a loving, supportive relationship might look like. She may be looking for a wonderfully loving partner, like she sees in the movies sometimes, but until she makes the connection between how her father treats her mother and how she allows boyfriends to treat her, she is going to repeat the experiences. This is why understanding your past can be so helpful- it can help people to break negative patterns from the past.

We will continue to repeat patterns of destructive behavior until we learn the lesson. To learn the lesson we need to connect the dots (with courage and honesty), set a goal (make a plan and use discipline) and free ourselves of negative feelings so we can live a happier and more productive life!
Then help a friend do the same!

Your turn – make a plan

chris — Mon, 03 Sep 2018 22:10:15 +0000

No matter what happened in the past, you have the choice to determine what you will do with it in the future. That is why you have connected the dots and learned that a feeling you have about yourself now (or a feeling that you experience a lot) likely stems from a past event. Perhaps that past event has nothing to do with you, but it haunted you all this time. Maybe you have discovered a pattern about yourself, for example you choose controlling partners. Self-discovery is a magical thing – it helps you learn how to take control of your future.

Now you will set a goal, make a plan and use discipline to achieve it all.

Let’s say you do choose the concept of controlling partners as a pattern that you have and that you’d like to uncover. Or, at the very least, you’d like to figure out why the people with whom you hang out, are not that nice to you. They actually make you question who you are and at times, you don’t feel so good about who you are as a result. First, set a goal. What is your goal? Remember to make it something you will realistically achieve over time.

Goal: To stick up for myself when my friends make me feel bad or I will find another friend group. I’ll work on this for the next 2 months and make a decision during that time.

What is your goal? _______________________________________________

Next you need a precise plan so you remember what you’re doing and stick to it over time.

Plan: Each day when I hang out with my friends I will make notes of how it makes me feel. I’ll notice comments they make and how I respond. After a week or two, I’ll plan some responses that show I value myself and see how they respond. Within a month I should know where I stand with them. Based on that, I might start to hang out with some other people and see how they make me feel. If I don’t feel better about myself based on any of these people, then I’ll need to think harder about whether this is about them or the way I interpret things.

What is your plan? ________________________________________________

Next, you’ll need some discipline to stick with your plan. How are you going to do that? Jot it down.

Discipline: I’ll feel silly if I start typing notes to myself about my feelings when I’m with my friends so I’m going to get into the habit of doing that as soon as I get home from school each day, or at my locker between classes if I need to write something down so I don’t forget. I also need to come up with more words to describe my feelings other than sad or rejected.

How will you be disciplined? _____________________________________

Great. You have some direction here! You can think of yourself as a detective on a mission to figure out your feelings and to help make them better for you. At the end of this mission, you may find that your friends are not the problem – your thoughts in your head are. No worries. You just reconnect the dots, meaning do this exercise again from a new perspective. You have even more opportunity to learn something about who you are so you can set a goal, make a plan and feel better in the long run!

Your turn – connect the dots

chris — Mon, 03 Sep 2018 22:07:59 +0000

You may be curious about a particular trait that you have and therefore you want to be honest with yourself, dig up a little courage and connect some dots. That’s totally fine. You will likely learn something along the way. Or maybe you repeat a pattern of behavior that does not serve you (for example, you always choose controlling partners) and you’re not sure why. Or maybe you can’t stop worrying about what your friend said to you Saturday night and you don’t know why.

In this exercise you are to challenge yourself to dig deep and find something that either makes you sad, vulnerable or upset about yourself or your life. Or, again, maybe a pattern of behavior you’d like to change. (We know – this is not called The Happy Post for a reason.) The goal is to bring a little happiness into your life by understanding something about yourself that lifts a burden, heals a wound, changes a pattern or opens your heart.

So come up with an event from your past, a behavior, or a strong feeling you have over and over. Because you will need to connect the dots. Once you’ve identified what it is, write it down, or think clearly about it. Where were you? What happened? How did you feel? How did others respond? Really work through what happens or happened and how you felt/feel. And then think about those feelings and how they affect you to this day. Think about the story of the nanny – to this day the woman felt abandoned, lost, hurt. Those feelings helped her understand that she is not to blame for what happened.

By thinking about the experience or behavior and how it made you feel in the past, and how it likely makes you feel today, you have brought those feelings to surface. This may not be easy. Hang in there. See if these questions and prompts below help you.

The event I’m recalling makes me feel __________________________

Through this experience I imagined that I was ________________________

I feel ________________________ about myself because of this event

When I think about this event now, I feel _____________________________

Today, I am reminded of these feelings when I ____________________

Or, when someone else _________________________

If I could go back in time, I would _____________________________________

What else comes up as you imagine this event and the feelings around it? _____________________________________________________________________

Okay, did a lightbulb go off for you? Did you connect any dots? Did you experience insight? No worries if you are struggling. Heck, you may not have anything come up!

The purpose of this sub post has been for you to connect the dots between who you are today and your past. In the process, you may have felt some old feelings pop up, and maybe you were able to apply those feelings and the past experience to who you are today. Like the story of the girl watching her beloved nanny move away, she learned that those awful feelings of loneliness and rejection and sadness really weren’t about who she was as a little girl – they were feelings in a moment that a.) were quite natural and b.) result from the poor actions of adults who did not consider the impact the sudden loss of her nanny would have on her. And she doesn’t have to feel hurt or rejected or poorly about herself anymore because she has learned, by doing that exercise, that she should not take things personally – that her nanny moving away was about the nanny’s life situation, not because of anything the little girl did or that the little girl was flawed in some way.

Next, you will make a plan (if you choose).

When my nanny moved out

chris — Mon, 03 Sep 2018 22:05:58 +0000

Now you will read a story that was very emotional for the person who experienced it. You will see that thinking about certain events can bring up a lot of emotions. That’s why connecting the dots takes courage. And that’s why managing the past is done in 2 steps – first connecting the dots, second, setting a goal for change.

Please read this story.

Connecting the dots

When I was ten years old, I watched out the window of my bedroom as a moving truck came to pack up and move the woman I had known as my nanny for my whole life. She lived in the barn on our property and helped take care of all of us. She was wonderful. She scratched my back at night, gave me kisses and hugs when everyone else was too busy and made me feel special. But no one told me she was moving. I was sad. Beyond sad. I felt very lonely. I didn’t understand why she would leave so suddenly without telling me. Thinking about it today, 20 years later, still makes me sad. I actually feel sad for myself all those years ago when no one comforted me or explained anything to me. I remember exactly where I was in the house as I watched the movers. I never really dealt with those feelings. I never asked anyone why she moved or why no one said anything.

Honesty and courage led to insight

Now that I’ve thought this much about that event, I can easily use my honesty and courage to share my feelings about this event. By tapping into those feelings, I’m able to have insight into who I am now and why – I see why I am sad when people don’t want to spend time with me, or why I fear people are going to leave me. I would take these things like forgetting to call me or cancelling a get together very personally. I would think They don’t like me instead of just thinking They must be really busy. I think I am just really sensitive to slights because it hurt so much to have my nanny leave me without warning or explanation.

Setting a goal for change

I don’t want to be so sensitive that it ruins my good times. I don’t want to think that people don’t want to be with me. It doesn’t feel good and I actually think I’m a fun person. So when I connected the dots, my goal was simple: Don’t take the actions of others to heart – meaning, just because they don’t call when they say they would doesn’t mean they don’t want to be with me.

My plan to reach that goal involved awareness. I needed to think about how a situation made me feel in the moment and then to think about my role in those feelings. That way, I could see that I was being too sensitive when really if someone doesn’t call when they say this will, that is likely more about them, not me. This plan has helped tremendously. It was not easy! My plan was literally to pay attention to my thoughts at all times. And to change a thought immediately if it was negative or unfounded. This plan has helped me to not only pay attention to how I feel all the time, but to be less sensitive to the way people treat me. After all, a lot of my sensitivity has to do with my past, not with the people in my life now. I guess what I’ve learned is to not take things so personally and if I wonder about why someone is not reaching out, or is leaving, or doesn’t want to meet, I just ask them, or I blow it off because I know I am a great person who just experienced a bummer of an event as a young girl.

You have free will

In the story above, the person learned something about herself that helps her to not be too harsh or judgmental about how people treat her – just because people her nanny moved away doesn’t mean other people will leave her or that other people don’t like her. She learned that she has free will to determine, in an instant, how to let her past situation affect her.